How does one even begin to introduce someone who has transition from stranger to my friend, mentor and counselor in a matter of years. She has become to me a lighthouse in the storms of life.
While I was initially struck by her poise and wisdom, it was her warmth, tenderness and refreshing transparency that quickly endeared her to me.
Meet Carol…
What’s your story, morning glory?
When Joy asked me to share my story, my immediate reply was, “It’s messy” as in ‘you don’t really want it in with a bunch of inspiring Christian stories’. Those words were out of my mouth before I could think of a better, more spiritual reply. You see, I’ve never liked a mess. Neat and tidy has been my safe zone for years, and that meant being VERY careful about what I shared about my life. My image and my
reputation meant a lot to me when I was young, and to be perfectly honest, I still wage an internal war against being the perfect woman with the perfectly inspiring story.
The messiness in my life started over 20 years ago. I lived in a rural area with my husband and we pastored a small church together. My husband was President of a small but growing staffing service and I was immersed in homeschooling our older 3 children. My youngest was still an infant, but despite this I ran a very organized home: the kids got their schooling, the house was clean, the laundry was done… I was a relentless perfectionist. Rob and I were a good team. He tended to the business and I did just about everything else. We rarely argued as both of us hated conflict. In fact, we mentored younger couples in our church who looked to us for guidance on how a marriage should be.
I began realizing that there might be a problem in my perfectly organized world when I noticed my husband growing increasingly distant. Our sex life was infrequent, and he seemed preoccupied and angry. But I dismissed my concern because I was busy with kids and everything else. He was gone a lot, but then again, we were starting a business and I chalked it up to that. One evening, we went out on a date and he seemed even more distant than usual. I tried to engage him in conversation by telling him enthusiastically about a dream I had for the two of us to become Christian marriage counselors. This did not seem to excite him. In fact, that night in the middle of the coffee bar in Barnes and Noble, he told me about his deep loneliness and dissatisfaction with our relationship. My initial reaction was one of defensiveness and anger. How could he be dissatisfied? I did everything in the house, took care of the kids, made life easy for him…etc. etc. I took his words as a personal affront, and we drove home in uncomfortable silence.
Several months later, my husband took me into our bedroom, sat me down and dropped a bombshell. He confessed that he had an emotional affair with a co-worker, but that he had stopped short of having a physical relationship and wanted to come clean. But there was more. Tearfully, he confessed years of various involvement with pornography, along with desperate attempts to stop the behaviors. The scope of his disclosure encompassed our entire marriage. I was faced with the stunning realization that my tidy life was a sham. My world, my reality, collapsed. I was so enraged that I beat my husband repeatedly with my fists, pummeling him while he quietly took the blows, until I finally curled up in a ball and sobbed.
The truth was out but we had no idea where to get help. Several days later, Rob brought home a book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sex Addiction by Patrick Carnes. He put it on the kitchen counter and said, “I think this is what I struggle with.” At the time, I wasn’t impressed. I felt angry and betrayed and initially thought the sex addiction angle was a cop out. For my husband, however, Carnes’ book
finally put a name and a description on what he struggled with, and that gave him hope. He was no longer alone. We began to talk. Really talk. For the first time in our marriage we prioritized our relationship. We’d had children almost immediately, and for years we had never taken the time to really connect with one another. There was no sex addiction counseling available at that time, but we got counseling that helped us deal with the dysfunction in our pasts that led to the disconnection in our relationship. Rob fought hard to get into recovery. He found an accountability partner and worked relentlessly to stay clean.
Recovery takes time. The seeds of addiction run deep; often flowing from parent to child, impacting the hearts and souls of generations of family members who either engage in or live with addiction. To compound the problem, sex addiction is secret and insidious, often affecting marriages without the spouse being aware of its existence. It creates an emotional disconnect within the family that can be
challenging to repair. We are fortunate. My husband fought like a lion to break out of the addiction, and we had the Lord to lead us through the darkness of that time. We both came from addictive homes, and we still confront our own addictive tendencies and relational patterns. That’s just the truth. I’ve had to come to grips with the reality that recovery is ongoing.
Today, my dream of the two of us becoming marriage counselors, the dream that was shattered by sex addiction, has actually come to pass. My husband and I are currently licensed professional counselors who specialize in marital work and are certified sex addiction therapists. Much of our work involves helping couples out of the overwhelming mess that is sex addiction.
What did you discover about yourself during this time?
Taking responsibility for my own dysfunction was difficult at first. Initially, I wanted to blame my husband and the addiction for our problems. Eventually, I recognized my own need for healing from the perfectionism that had dogged me since childhood. Early in my life I learned that I could earn ‘kudos’ and approval by excelling and being ‘the perfect child’. As an adult, I was so afraid of anyone seeing my flaws and then rejecting me that I pushed everyone away…. Including my husband. Striving to please other people and avoiding conflict undermined my ability to be honest and vulnerable, which is what we need to have intimate relationships.
This has been an ongoing journey of healing, not a quick fix. As weird as it sounds, I am not perfect at not being perfect. Otherwise, I still have my lapses into perfectionism. However, I continue to ask God to help me take steps of courage in being vulnerable and authentic as a person, even if it means looking messy and broken.
I am truly proud of my husband, who is now my best, most intimate friend. He is amazingly open about his struggles, and I have learned from his willingness to be vulnerable about his battle with addiction. There have been times when he is speaking or preaching at church that I resist the urge to slide slowly down in my seat and disappear, yet he continues to courageously and humbly describe his journey. He is truly a talented and gifted therapist and the love of my life.
What did you discover about God’s character in the process?
Above all, I have learned just how kind God is. I used to think of Him as stern and distant; however, He is not like that. One day, at the height of our crisis, I was sitting outside the YMCA in my minivan waiting for my daughter’s swim class to end. I was feeling lost and pitiful. Suddenly, I was hit with an uncontrollable urge to laugh. I had seen “laughing in the Spirit” at church revivals and had secretly wondered if people were merely acting like idiots to get attention; yet here I was, laughing uncontrollably in a parking lot while a part of me inwardly protested, “This is NOT funny! My life is falling apart!” I laughed until I cried. I don’t think I’d ever allowed myself to feel that much emotion in my entire life. I felt God’s presence in the laughter, and it had a healing effect on me.
God reminded me in that moment that He was there for me and had not forsaken me, my husband, or my marriage. I was struck by the realization of how gently He was handling me and how sensitive He was to my pain and brokenness.
What helped you or served you most practically this season?
By far the most helpful thing during this time has been cultivating my connection with both God and my husband. We really worked at transparency in our relationship by taking time daily to talk and work through issues and concerns. Sex addiction is a disease of emotional disconnection. We took time to connect with each other because we knew the future of our marriage depended on it. Working with as many couples as we do, we see how easily the walls of disconnection can develop, even when addiction is not a factor in the marriage. Prioritizing the relationship was key for us.
If you could sum up your story in a single sentence, what would it be?
Well, of course I’d like to come up with something extremely profound, but it is just this: Jesus alone is the path to connection and healing from our aloneness.
What would I say to the woman facing the same struggle?
First, I’d just like to give her a long hug. Sometimes there are just no words.
I’d want to tell her in that moment, “I understand the depth of devastation you are feeling. I know the pain. I know you feel like there is no relief from the betrayal and sorrow, but there is hope.” I’d also advise her to get counseling and seek out a support system. This is incredibly difficult because spouses of sex addicts generally don’t want anyone to know what their spouses are doing; they often find it both shameful and embarrassing, especially if they are Christians. However, they need a confidential and supportive group of people to walk them through this.
Favorite scripture you have clung to?
I love Hebrews 4:15-16, “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need.”
What does the word “resilience” mean to you and what does it look like in your everyday life?
It means daily coming to Hs throne of grace because we can’t live life apart from connection with Him. I remember saying rather apologetically to God, “Here I am… needing to come (again) and ask for your grace.” The response from God was so clear and immediate that it startled me. He said tenderly, “Child, why do you ever LEAVE my throne of grace? This is where I want you to live always.” His reply to me was so outside my own train of thought that it had a profound impact on how I viewed myself and my relationship with the Holy Spirit. He never created us to live life apart from Him; consequently, resilience is born out of our utter and complete dependence on Him.
I have a prayer closet. It doesn’t look like much. But that’s where I go when I’m at the end of my rope, which is more often than I’d like to admit. Nobody but Jesus has the answers. It’s where I come when I’m disappointed, out of new ideas, feel hopelessly inadequate, or am overwhelmed by the pain of the couples we are working with. Resilience means clinging to the throne of grace for dear life.
What are two things you are loving right now?
I’m loving my husband, my family and grandkids. They are so cute. I love getting time with them.
I also love my work because I feel that it’s what God has called Rob and I to do.
Where can we find you online?
We own Still Water Professional Counseling in Midland.
If you feel we can help you on your journey, you can call our office at (989) 832-0191 or check out our website at stillwatercounselingmidland.com.
