I met Lisa and her delightful family for the first time on Mackinaw Island. I instantly liked her. She’s effervescent, wise, funny and so beautifully raw. And she has raised 5 incredible human beings (and home-schooled them) to boot.
We’ve shared multiple deep conversations over the past few years, and I’m incredibly honored that she’s kicking off this new season of the Everyday Blooms Collective by bravely sharing her journey with us here.
Meet Lisa…
What’s your story, morning glory?
It’s hard to tell your story in a few paragraphs; stories are complicated, untidy and chaotic. I tend to like things that are linear and organized but, unfortunately, the stories of our lives can rarely be described with those two words.
Almost 3 years ago, my police officer husband and I had been married for 21 years and were raising 5 amazing kids. We had a fun, dynamic marriage and family, and I was very happy with our imperfect – but good – life.
That was suddenly interrupted when the news of my husband’s affair completely bowled me over. The devastation is impossible to put into words. Sadly, this wasn’t a new experience. I had dealt with a similar confession 10 years earlier, along with the porn and chat rooms before that. I had worked incredibly hard to heal and, after 8 years, could finally trust him again. This time, I was absolutely broken. Sex addiction had invaded my life in such a way that I would never, ever be the same again.
What did you discover about yourself during this time?
During the storm of the shock and trauma of intimacy betrayal, I wrestled with who I was. I had the mother lode of all identity crises. Suddenly, everything I knew about my life, or thought I knew about my life, was shaken to the core. I felt like my whole being was shattered into pieces so small that they could never all be found, let alone be picked up and put back together.
I had always had a high tolerance for physical pain (can you say 5 home-births?), but the emotional pain was beyond what I thought I could bear. I was unable to function as a mom, suffering with the physical effects of traumatic stress, severe anxiety, depression, shame, and even suicidal thoughts. Anything to escape the pain.
Through it all, I managed to continue crying out to God. It may have taken me days and weeks at a time to get there, but I just kept showing up. And He was faithful. He pulled me from the pit over and over again, giving me new hope and strength to continue the very long, roller-coaster ride of the healing process.
I discovered that I’d believed so many lies from the enemy about myself. Thoughts like “I must strive to be perfect to be successful”, “I am not enough: not pretty enough, thin enough or amazing enough”, “For this to happen, there must be something wrong with ME.”
Oh, friend, it has been almost 3 years and I am still walking the path to freedom from these lies. The Lord has been faithful, continuing to patiently love me, teach me, and change me, but these shame-beliefs are powerful. Rewriting them is another key to my wholeness and healing.
What did you discover about God’s character in the process?
Initially, I struggled with anger toward God for allowing this to happen to me. As I leaned into Him, and the pain, I discovered that His word is true. His promises are true. He is good, He is faithful and trustworthy. When I felt like I couldn’t go on being married to this person because I would never be able trust him again, God continually reminded me that He wasn’t asking me to trust my husband, at least not right now. He was asking me to love my husband and to trust Him, the God of the universe, with my heart and my future.
What helped you or served you most practically this season?
My husband’s repentance and willingness to do whatever it took to help me heal. Spending hours in my chair with God, His word, and many, many books and resources. An affair recovery intensive we attended in CA together. A large support system of women that I reached out to including friends, a counselor, and a recovery/support group that I helped start.
I wish friends and family understood the devastating effects of intimacy betrayal. It is a long, personal journey and a betrayed spouse should never be told to “just get over it”. It follows closely the stages of grief and loss, and creates a deep wound that requires recovery just as a loss, physical injury, or surgery would.
How did this experience shape your passion today?
This experience seems to have catapulted me from being a 20-year-stay-at-home homeschool mom back into the world of ministry and career. I had to overcome great fear and insecurity, but I’m doing it! I already had my degree, but got more training, studied for and passed my licensing exam, and am now working as a therapist and school social worker – all in the last 2 years.
God has given me a passion to see others the way He sees them and to help others see themselves through His eyes (myself included!).
I don’t know where God is ultimately taking me, but I am believing Him for more and bigger things. I believe that my husband and I will be working together somehow soon. He will be retiring from police work in a little over a year, so the possibilities are endless!
If you could sum up your story in a single sentence, what would it be?
I have no shame because I have Christ.
What would I say to the woman facing the same struggle?
You are not crazy! (Even though you feel like it.) There is hope. You can do this. It will not be easy, but the most important thing is to get help. Do not stay isolated. There is healing in sharing and processing together. Getting professional help is recommended in most cases. We tried to deal with it ourselves during the first half of our marriage, but the root issues were not uncovered. We discovered this time that this was not a marriage problem, but an addiction problem, that was brought into the marriage.
Favorite scripture you have clung to?
There have been so many, but I think I would say that the story of Joseph has been my biggest encouragement. He was betrayed and suffered greatly, but remained faithful to God, demonstrated forgiveness, and God ultimately used Him mightily. He used Joseph’s pain for a purpose and he blessed him in ways beyond what Joseph could’ve asked or imagined. This is what I believe God is doing in my life.
In the beginning, I truly thought that things would never be good again until I went to heaven. Then God showed me this verse, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” in Psalm 27:13. I held on to this; God was good and that life on EARTH could be good again.
What does the word “courage” mean to you and what does it look like in your everyday life?
The Lord has taught me courage, that you cannot have courage without fear. I have had the courage to keep showing up, battling fear, taking risks, and I am learning to enjoy life again.
What are two things you are loving right now?
All things Fall – coffee, cats, fuzzy blankets, and a good brisk walk!
Continued reading and study, usually related to recovery work and expanding my knowledge and tool box to help myself and others with healing.
