Tomorrow we will have officially been married for 87,360 hours.
Also known as the less-enormous-sounding ‘10 years’ {insert wild applause here}.
A whole decade, people.
I know, right? Ten full years for wee punks like us. Who knew?
No, we weren’t 14. We were 22
The past ten years have been the most beautiful, most excruciating, most awe-inspiring, most intense, most exciting, most uncomfortable, most character-building, most glorious years of our lives.
We have walked through and worked through some of the most amazing – and painful – things together.
So, after spending a third of our lives all up in each other’s grill, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to make marriage work. And how to promptly tick each other off. We’re actively trying to avoid the latter.
So we thought we’d share with you ‘10 Things We’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage’…
1. Pick Battles Carefully:
Where we may have extended newly-wed grace before, it became easy to jump to conclusions and form our battle strategies before we even had the facts straight. We’ve learned to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Peace is far more important than proving a point. Pushing to be right will never be worth forfeiting unity in our home.
2. Watch Yo’ Mouth:
While we may have been resilient, half-glass-full folk at first, it almost becomes the norm to disrespect and criticize each other as the whirlwind of life rages on. We’ve committed to never (ever ever ever) bad-mouth the other behind their back, in public, or in front of our kids. While we often fail, we do try to graciously confront legitimate issues and seek a solution, rather than simply blast each other with a problem. We are intentional about speaking life. Your spouse’s name should always be safe in your mouth.
3. Have. More. Sex:
This may seem pretty self-explanatory, but it’s über important. It is so easy to fall into a rut, and sexless marriages are becoming more and more common. This is a travesty, not to mention incredibly destructive, as it opens the door to addictions that have the potential to utterly destroy us and our marriage. We’ve made a point of talking openly about intimacy, where we’re struggling, what we love and what we don’t. While we have yet to actually put sex on the calendar, we do make a point of not letting too much time pass without connecting physically. We’ve found creative ways to spice up our marriage because we refuse to let the spark die and because we realize that sex is not only fun and satisfying, but profound and powerful.
4. Model the Importance of Marriage:
We try to be affectionate, kind and attentive to each other in front of our kids. They are watching and listening, and making decisions about how they’ll do marriage one day. They can wait while we work on our marriage…our marriage will not wait while we work on raising our kids. Not for long, at least. We’ve made a point of keeping God first, marriage second, and our kids third..everything falls into place after that. Honestly, one of the greatest gifts we will give our children is a healthy marriage. Make sure your priorities are in order, and remember that the grass is always greener where you water it the most.
5. Date Regularly:
We just had to stop making excuses. When something is important, we’ll carve out time to make it happen. It is so easy to lose ourselves amidst the scurry of family life, especially with littles, but our children need to see us creating space to get away and have fun together. Find a hobby you enjoy as a couple and invest in ‘play time’. Flirt with each other. Smile at each other. Stop being so easily offended. Laugh more, complain less. If you don’t fight for your friendship, you will lose it.
6. Put Your Financial Cards on the Table:
Money is one of the biggest stressors in marriage. While we don’t have much debt to wrestle with, we’re also pretty snug in our finances, but we’ve made a point of living within our means and keeping communication open so we’re always on the same page. When we got married, we made a general rule that anything ‘frivolous’ over $25 would be discussed before being purchased, which has removed the temptation to make ‘sneaky’ purchases and hide things from each other. This has helped us not have to deal with the ‘yours & mine’ side of the money wars, but has freed us up to work through the ‘what are we going to do with OURS’ decisions.
7. Talk about your Dreams:
The dishes can wait. The laundry can wait. I promise, they’ll still be there in 15 minutes. Just drink that coffee while it’s hot and talk. Talk about life, talk about your concerns, talk about what makes you smile, talk about what gets you excited. We have shared some of our most precious times together simply sitting and sharing our hearts over cups of coffee while the kids have been playing or sleeping. It’ll only feel awkward if you’ve allowed your friendship to dwindle. Push through. Reconnect by asking your spouse how their heart is…where they really are…and where they’d love to be in 5 years. Encourage their passions and discovery of life-purpose, even if they seem insignificant to you. Allow them to dream big…and then dream big alongside them.
8. Be Purposeful about Personal Growth:
We have really made a point over the past few years to use our time more wisely: to read more, listen to teaching or training while driving or doing household chores, and to educate ourselves on things we’re interested in. While we love movies, we really don’t watch TV (except for the occasional Downton Abbey or 24 binge). When something doesn’t flow, it becomes stagnant, and when you’re feeling stuck and unproductive, it affects every aspect of your life. In the same way, when you take your personal growth seriously, it has a beautiful ripple effect in your family. Rather than focusing on all the areas you think your spouse should change, get growing yourself and become the kind of person you would want your child to marry one day…and inspire growth in your spouse.
9. Create Safe Space to Ask Hard Questions:
While we firmly believe marriage isn’t all about happiness {it’s far more about growth and character development}, it is important that our spouse knows that we still care about blessing and pleasing them. About once or twice a year, we ask each other, “if you could choose one area of my life (personality, habits & priorities) that I could work on or change, what would it be?”. It’s a hard question to ask (and you may be scared to hear the answer), but when you’re creating a judgment-free environment where it’s safe to be transparent and real, it’s a simple way to grow your relationship.
10. Don’t Go to Bed Mad:
Deal with your stuff, stat. I can be a bit of a stewer, but my hubby refuses to let me fume for long. We committed to not let the ‘sun go down on our anger’ when we first got married, and while we haven’t always completely sorted through all of our emotions before going to bed, we’ve always restored some level of peace and connection before falling asleep. My husband has even gone to work late a few times because he refused to leave the house without resolving a conflict {just one of the things I love about him!}. Get good at saying, “I’m sorry, please forgive me”. Protect your connection and refuse to allow room for a wound to fester – bitterness and resentment very quickly move in when you’re not guarding your heart and mind.
And there you have it! 10 of the most important things we’ve learned in our 10 years of marriage!
** Celebrate with us by downloading your free MARRIAGE printable here **
For more thoughts on being intentional in marriage, take a peek at this post I wrote a few years ago while pondering the wonders of balsamic glaze.
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