The Birds and The Bees…and Some Little Apple Seeds

While my hubby and I love talking to couples about the {regrettably under-talked about, within-the-context-of-the-Christian-community} topic of sex, and the undeniably crucial role it plays within a healthy marriage…we really didn’t know how – or when – to broach the subject with our kids.

We actually look forward to having “the talk” with them when they’re older, to instill respect and awe toward this mind-blowing gift our creator gave us.

And yet I sensed there was something missing between the now (the wild and hairy toddler years) and the then (the wild and hairy adolescent years).


Enter: Mary Flo Riley and her timely message of Simple Truths [formerly entitled “Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character”].

Talk about revolutionary.

I had the opportunity to watch a portion of her presentation, initially assuming none of the information would really apply to me just yet (with my children only being 1 and 3 years old), but boy was I wrong.

“Seize the opportunity while your children are young to start having conversations that will forever shape their sexual character”

I was in the perfect position to be exposed to this teaching and to start implementing her {wise and practical} words.

I walked away with pages of notes, and wanted to share them with you.

• Start early:
  • Be purposeful & prepared.
  • We tend to be ready with a defensive line {in regards to talking to our kids about sex}…but what are we doing on the offensive end?
  • We can choose to simply curse the negative {media, what’s become the cultural “norm”, etc.}, or we can choose to share the positive {sex is a glorious gift!}
  • Vital: When they do ask “those” questions, make a point of smiling and responding with “I’m so glad you asked, sweetheart!”.  Don’t allow your response or body language to communicate that this is a taboo topic to talk about.
  • Children are unabashedly curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls, if you don’t answer their questions – eagerly – they’ll find someone else who will.
  • Help them recognize that their sexuality is a beautiful part of who they are…for later in life.
  • If we wait until our kids are older, we’ve lost a tremendous part of the battle: teenagers are naturally inclined to doubt and wrestle with everything we say.  Do you really want to initiate the conversation then?

• Define your message:
  • “This is what I want them to know/believe/value about sex”
  • Make the message your own – what is important and valued in your family – boil it down to a few overarching statements about sex.
  • Don’t make it sensual for little ones, just basic biology.  The “dangers and pleasures” of the sex talk come later.
  • Examine your own sexual baggage – we don’t want to pass off our pain and baggage to our kids.  Set it aside {or better yet, work/pray through it} and present the most positive picture.

• Choose Your Vocabulary:
  • Use proper words/medical terminology {I’m guilty of avoiding this like the plaque…but have since introduced the correct words}
  • By starting the conversation now, we become the authority on this topic {rather than a silly, awkward source of blotchy information who lacks credibility later on down the line}
  • Mister Rogers had it right…“Some are fancy on the outside {boys}.  Some are fancy on the inside {girls}.  Everybody’s fancy.  Everybody’s fine.  Your body’s fancy and so is mine”

• Explain the Story of Birth:
  • I don’t know about your daughters, but mine is always talking about babies, getting married, being pregnant, and frequently asks me to tell her about when her and Bug were born.  I love it!
  • Go with the flow…kids tend to ask about birth {how they got out} before they ask about conception {how they got in}
  • “The baby is actually in the mommy’s uterus, a special room just for the baby, and not in the mommy’s tummy”
  • “It takes about 9 months for the baby to grow inside the mommy and then they’re ready to come out, they give the mommy a signal”
  • Use the words “by God’s design”
  • Make a point of explaining both vaginal birth {“a special hole between the mommy’s legs”, or if you’re brave…say “vagina”} and c-section delivery to avoid confusion at a later point.
  • Use pictures & books of fetal growth…kids are very visual.

• Explain Reproduction:
  • Use everyday examples to teach them that “by God’s design…protected deep inside every living creature is the potential for new life”
  • Allow them to handle and examine seeds {in flowers, fruits and vegetables}, teaching them about the need for reproduction all around us.  Cut open an apple horizontally and show them the seeds.  Snack time is a great teaching opportunity!

• Explain Conception:
  • It is unrealistic to put an age on when to first talk to your kids about sex.  Children are all so different.  And you know your child. 
  • The ‘only-child’ 6 year old most likely knows much less than the ‘4th-child’ 6 year old who has a 16 year old brother, who listens to his music, watches his TV and knows what’s under his bed.  Your 6 year old might sit next to that 6 year old in school.  Be prepared.
  • Be vigilant when it comes to being the first to introduce sex to your child.
  • “By God’s design…a husband and a wife were made to fit together in a very special way.  Something deep inside daddy meets something deep inside mommy, and that starts a baby”.
  • “Daddy plants a seed inside mommy”.
  • Start painting the picture of sexual intimacy now…allowing them to first see only a hazy view of it…add detail and depth as they get older and more mature.

• Continuing the Conversation:
  • When billboards or ads depict intimate moments between a couple, teach them that sexuality is very private and “no one should ever watch”…helps them know how to handle unexpected pornography exposure {which can show up astonishingly early}.
  • About a year before adolescence, get away with your kids for a day…dad with son, mom with daughter {if possible}…and connect.  Just talk about life, and prepare them for the changes that are about to take place.
  • Show them how important the decisions they make are.  Their teenage years are so short in relation to the rest of their lives, and yet the decisions they make during that time have huge consequences {show them a timeline of their life}.
  • Have an annual getaway {dad/son, mom/daughter} simply to connect and answer questions…”nothing is taboo”.

• Team up with your spouse:
  • It is so important that you’re on the same page and communicating the same message

• Cultural Vaccination:
  • When we get our voice in first – in small amounts – it inoculates them against what this sexually saturated culture throws at them, and it gives them a line of defense.

• The Sponge:
  • Our kids minds truly are like sponges; when we take the opportunity to faithfully drip on their sponge {over the many years of their curious, young lives}, we provide a slow, consistent satisfaction of their hunger for knowledge in this arena.
  • When they’re full and satisfied…they are less likely to absorb the other {unhealthy} information society throws at them.

Friends, our kids need to hear our voice on this topic.