I’m tickled pink to be sharing my messy story of redemption with another group of women this weekend. I love, love, LOVE sharing my heart…my brokenness…His goodness with others who ache to know their Creator hasn’t abandoned them, that He is intricately involved in the details of their lives – even if behind the scenes, that He is big enough to handle their junk, and that this faithful God has ridiculously wonderful plans for them…in spite of them.
I love getting to be the bearer of good news. Albeit wrapped in awkward and ugly packages at times.
This time, however, I’m also going to be leading worship, which to be honest, totally freaks me out. It is not one of my strengths, and as a {recovering} perfectionist, the idea of doing something I’m not excellent at – in public – makes me want to dry heave. Not to mention that whole playing piano while trying to read the words and sing. Out loud. In key. And not dry heave.
{breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out}
So I’m keeping my eyes on Him. Because He told me to do it. And it’s His fault if I stink.
Just sayin’.
As I’ve pored over my randomly written in journals from the past 12 years in preparation for this weekend, many emotions have bubbled up from the depths. Most of them overwhelmed with relief and gratitude, but other – less jubilant ones – as well. I’ve been amazed by how heavy my baggage must have been. I ache for the girl who wrote some of those entries.
Taking a sojourn down memory lane served as a profound reminder of how dark and depressing a wounded identity in fear of being exposed really is. I too easily forget.
It just so happens that while preparing for the women’s event, a friend asked me to share a chapter of my {life}story on her blog. You can read the messy, heart-naked post over here.
I received a great question in response to Tuesday’s post:
“Over the past couple years of God restoring my identity, I’ve realized its importance. I often ponder how I can help other people avoid making the huge mistakes that inevitably follow a person with a lost or false sense of identity. As a mom, how do you work to instill a Christ-centered identity in those lovely kids of yours?”
I’ve been picking my parent’s brain, chatting with my hubs, and processing through how we intentionally parent our little ones, and wanted to share my response publicly because I believe, in a world where sexual perversion, misplaced identity and verbal brutality have become the norm, we HAVE to be purposeful in how we help form our children’s identity and value.
So while this is far from all-inclusive, here are several thoughts on how we are cultivating Godly identity in our wee babes:
* Be intentional and persistent about working through your own past hurts and woundedness. By default, we all parent out of our own brokenness, so the more you’re able to process and work through before starting a family {although it is never too late to start the healing process…so start now even if your kids are teenagers}, the less you will view your kids, and carry out the way you will train and discipline them, through a broken, distorted lens.
My mom, in response to this question and with the wisdom hindsight brings, shared how absorbed she was with her own brokenness and insecurities, desperately feeling the need to prove herself, that she poured herself into many “good” things, forfeiting – to some degree – the “best” thing : her availability and sensitivity to my older sister and I during those fragile, formative early years. This is not a stay-at-home vs. working mom issue, but rather an ability to be fully present and engaged during the times you do spend together.
Forgive your parents {and others who may have abandoned you or disappointed you in some way}, let go of bitterness, lay down resentment, and deal with residual anger. Your undealt with baggage will have an effect on the way your parent, and the climate of your home, so learn to travel light.
* This ties very much into the one before, but I believe parents who long to foster healthy identity and value in their children need to be willing and purposeful in allowing their children to be their primary focus – or main ministry – for a season. This always entails sacrifice, and can be very hard for those of us who are ambitious, driven and passionate about pursuing our dreams right now. Don’t misunderstand this to mean that I am not these things {or that our children became more important than our marriage or relationship with God}…it’s simply that we, as a couple, have chosen to put certain things on the back burner, and temporarily lay others down, to invest fully in the little lives that have been entrusted to us. I will have plenty of time to wholeheartedly pursue endeavors when our children are older, but they are only little {sponges} once.
This season, and how it is fleshed out, will look different for every family, but it will always involve sacrifice on some level.
* Choose your words wisely : life and death are in the power of the tongue {Proverbs 18:21}. We try very hard to “speak life” to and over our little ones {and to each other, in front of them}. What we pour into them, intentionally or accidentally, we equip them to pour out on others. We want them to be speakers of LIFE, to dig up the gold in the people they rub shoulders with on a daily basis {which simply means…to help bring out the greatness God has deposited in each one of us}. It is so very easy to find the dirt in people, and ourselves, and all too easy to criticize and spread negativity. I think our human nature predisposes us to see and speak negatively – it takes initiative and intention to do otherwise.
It has been so precious to see our kids encouraging their friends, comforting the ‘under-dog’, and cheering each other on simply because of the natural overflow of what’s been poured into their hearts. Sure, we smother on a bunch of crap on occasion {out of our own brokenness} and of course we hear some horrendous things emerging from their little lips at times, but learning to ask for forgiveness and righting a wrong is another powerful life-lesson we get to model. For everything else, there’s grace.
* Speak truth over them. There are those rare days that it takes every ounce of grace I can muster to actually like my kids. They can be downright…human. And it rubs on my own… humanness. And then it just becomes one giant human mess.
I’m learning to hold my tongue and, rather than rip into them or their character, deal directly with the stinky behavior. There’s an enormous difference between saying, “you’re a bad girl! I can’t believe you did such a stupid thing!” and “you’re a wonderful girl, but you made a really bad choice!. These are the consequences, now let’s figure this thing out”.
Declare Biblical truth over them…they are fearfully and wonderfully made {Psalm 139}, God has a good plan and purpose for their lives {Jeremiah 29:11}, that nothing can separate them from His love {Romans 8:38} and that His grace is sufficient for them {2 Corinthians 12:9}. This, or course, is simply speaking LIFE & TRUTH over their little lives…but it’s powerful stuff.
* Be passionate and purposeful about cultivating a healthy, vibrant marriage. Your relationship with your spouse, and the safety and security a stable home provides, are wildly important to them – even if they cannot articulate it yet. Speaking of marriage, if you want to spice things up a little? Read this.
* While this ties into speaking life and truth, try and make a point to encourage their efforts and praise their good decisions {being as specific as possible…”I really like the way you stopped to help that little girl who fell down this morning”, or “you worked so hard on that project, you deserved that A…great job!”}, rather than throwing out hollow flattery {“you are just the smartest, prettiest, coolest kid on the planet…and no one will ever be as fabulous as you!”}. While we may feel that way at times – and I do, admittedly, declare things like that when my mama-heart is bursting with pride, they can see right through us, and numerous studies have revealed how destructive the latter is when not backed up by solid, realistic recognition of their effort {verses their cute looks or superficial performance}.
* Talk to them. And more importantly, listen to them. Ask them open-ended questions. Dig into their inner lives. Make time to be with them, doing things THEY love to do. How do they feel about certain things being said at school? And give them space to be honest. How we respond to the things they share with us – especially the ones that cause our hackles to rise – will determine whether they come to us with similar news again. Be their friend, but more importantly, be their parent!
* Pray for them! My kids are going to need therapy, I have no doubt. But I have an awesome God whose specialty is redeeming and restoring what has been lost, so I take heart in the fact that, while I know I’m going to make many foolish parenting blunders, and disappoint my kids in ways I would never want to, He is sovereign…and in the same way He has mended mine, He will use their brokenness to woo them closer to his heart, and to come alongside others who are hurting too.
He is faithful like that. And to this I cling!
Ps. I demolished half a bag of Trader Joe’s flax seed tortilla chips while writing this…and just thought you might want to know that they were astonishingly delicious.
