1. Do not crouch down beside the gunslinger, no matter how much encouragement and assistance you feel it necessary to deliver. High velocity urine ricochets off open toilet seats. And burns eyeballs.
2. The perimeter outside which half-read magazines could lay open beside the loo, in wait for the next 2 second bathroom break, has increased by 3 feet.
3. Even once aim has been perfected, a cold-triggered cough will alter trajectory by at least 45 degrees, often resulting in an uncontrollable spurt upward. Naturally.
4. No number or availability of indoor lavatories, nor one’s proximity to said lavatories, lures a young lad to empty out quite like the opportunity to practice the strip-and-shoot technique off the back deck into the unfortunate rocks below.
5. The quality of carpet, newness of friendship and lack of extra clothes at a play date is directly proportional to the likelihood that one’s son will anoint, embarrass and be escorted home naked below the navel.
6. The sheer amount of time spent getting acquainted with one’s privies while waiting out the uncooperative “number 2”, births an unexplainable bond and shameless pride in said parts which only strengthens over time.
7. Never, never put a bathroom rug you like anywhere near the toilet.
8. Purchase twice as much hand soap, hide your toilet paper {but keep highly absorbent paper towel within arm’s reach}, and move fast when you hear the sound of splashing.
9. Get comfortable with the fact that, no matter who you may be entertaining or getting to know on your patio, your presence outdoors serves as an invitation to make use of the grass during a casual strip-and-shoot.
10. Repeat after me…”pants all the way down…seat all the way up…pants all the way down…seat all the way up”. Peek-a-boo turtle will always result in the washing of walls, ceilings, and select appendages of nearby parents. Refer to #1.
11. Always, always make a bathroom trip before you leave the house, as soon as you arrive somewhere, and the nanosecond you notice the “pinch” maneuver being applied.
12. Morning blood flow is a crazy thing. Once your initial sense of being violated wears off and things settle back down {ahem}, send your little lad off to the loo, and go apologize to your husband for your refusal to believe him when he tried to explain all these years that what seems to stand at attention every morning was in fact totally natural.
