We attended our very first Policeman’s Ball a couple of weeks ago, and while the exquisite $14.60 thrift-store dress was a highlight of my night, what loomed beneath was not…
5 Things You Should Know About Spanx
1. While you may anticipate spanx becoming your new best friend, it will not. It can rather be likened to the fickle friend in middle school who pretended to flatter and protect you, while secretly pinching, stabbing and exposing you when you least expected it. Because that’s how she rolls. And roll, she will.
2. If you manage to squeeze your resistant flesh into a pair of spanx, be sure to schedule back-up when planning an exit. It requires strategy, and is a near impossible feat taken on alone. Consider yourself warned – if you are stubborn and prideful in the undergarment-removal department – I almost tore my rotator cuff attempting to extract my upper body from said spandex tube unassisted.
3. Without secure placement – think duct tape or gorilla glue – be prepared to have your spanx roll up your rebellious midsection as soon as you sit your heinie down. This will cause a tidal wave of flesh to erupt out of the lower portion of your undergarments, resulting in an unsightly droopy-bosom effect. This will occur multiple times throughout the evening.
4. Speaking of bosoms, if a full-torso spanx item is on your shopping list, bear in mind that if nursing has done a number on your ‘girls’ – as it has on mine – you will want to consider inserting plump chicken breasts into your padded bra to keep from having your newly acquired washboard abs run all the way to your neckline, while swiftly depositing your less-than-ample bosom into your armpits.
5. If your excess flesh does in fact acquiesce to spanx bondage, know that impending potty breaks will undoubtedly render a slinky silhouette “unworth it”. You may want to consider dehydrating yourself two days before the special event to prevent imminent output, or making a small, convenient slit in the underside of your undergarments for easier relief. Count the cost, my friend.
As a side note, I’m quite certain spanx will be required wear in hell.
Thankfully, Jesus saves.
