A Tongue-in-Cheek Message to {Churchy} Church Folk
1. Talk the Talk : Speak in King James lingo with awkward familiarity, boasting a heavy dose of “Christianese”. Be sure to mention “being washed in the blood of the Lamb”, while dropping words like “sanctified”, “righteousness” and “cleansing” like cheerios in the hands on toddlers. Throw in a few “amen”s and “bless her heart”s for good measure. This language adjustment should be decidedly more obnoxious on a Sunday. Put a fancy biblical title in front of your name when introducing yourself, it makes you sound much more spiritual than everyone else.
2. Dress the Part : Simply allowing the ridiculous goodness of God to ooze through one’s pores to a hurting world is for floozies. Preach it boldly! Invest in all the gear for full effect; sport the WWJD bracelet, the ichthus necklace, the ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ hat, the ‘forgiven’ sweater, the John 3:16 key-chain, book bag, earrings, doormat, toaster & drink-cozy, and of course the rapture-inspired bumper sticker. Lots of crosses. No tattoos.
3. Just Eat It {All of It} : Despite the clear instruction to treat your body like the priceless “temple” it is, pay no attention to the actual care of it. Recklessly cram as much processed, gravy-soaked, deep fried goodness from the Sunday buffet-line into it as possible. Self-control can be reintroduced on Mondays. Health and fitness is a superficial pursuit. After all, you can simply name it and claim it. Speak death to that saturated fat, ya’ll.
4. Be Consumed with Sin Management : Thumping the law of the Old Testament not only empowers you, but provides a nice little box to squish your straight-laced life into. It’s all about rules, being set far, far apart from the ‘unholy’ ones and haphazardly pointing out their sin. Being a “good Christian” is the name of the game. The radical Grace dished out in the New Testament is just too dangerous a paradigm to experience and extend in this day and age.
5. Be Myopic & Judgmental : Always, always lump tree-huggers, crunchy whole-foodies, and yoga instructors into the swirling vortex of “dark”, unsafe stuff. Oh, and people who wear jeans to church. And laugh too loudly. Be sure to voice your humble opinion on parents who choose to send their kids to public schools, and how they must be less passionate about cultivating a spiritual compass and Godly identity in their offspring than those who choose to homeschool. It’s a one-religious-size-fits-all-families type thing, and Lord knows you shouldn’t rebel.
6. I’ll Be Back : Speaking of tree-huggers, be sure to write off any call to be conservation-minded, taking care of this precious planet is simply a conspiracy theory linked to Al Gore. Or someone overtly green and New Agey. God did say something about ‘dominating’ somewhere in the bible, and you intend to suck that command dry. “I am Christian, watch me dominate”. This type of stewardship is sure to win souls.
7. Witness Gone Wild : Prioritize getting people “in the club” over building genuine relationship based on mutual respect and compassion. Be sure to make it clear to those considering joining the club that, once in, they will need to behave a certain way, talk a certain way {see step #1}, and ascribe to a particular political agenda. It is of utmost importance that you be known for what you are against and what you deem unacceptable. Surely judgment and the pursuit of Holiness trump love and grace in this messy world.
8. Master the Masquerade: Give the impression of perfection, while being wildly intolerant of other people’s lack thereof. Gift-wrap your distain for their imperfection in concern-swaddled prayer requests. This is a slightly more subtle approach, but carries just as much kapow! in the royally obnoxious department. Get good at pretending that you have it all together. Gossip and jealousy certainly hide better than fishnets and foul mouths. And While your bumper sticker may infer your lack of perfection and close association with forgiveness, the irony of radical grace – and just how much we all need it on an hourly basis – is lost on you. Transparency and vulnerability are for the unsaved.
9. Get Behind me Satan : When out to eat at a cool restaurant with a mixed-bag of friends, if the server comes around to share about the wine of the night, be sure to cut her off and exclaim with utter disgust , “oh! We don’t drink, we’re Christians!”. The fact that Jesus’ first {recorded} miracle was turning water into wine has clearly been misinterpreted and taken out of context. To ensure that no one gets offended or led astray, it must be assumed that alcohol in any amount is bad. Go with the grape juice, girlfriend. And always pray loudly and passionately before your meal.
10. Cookie Cutters : Firmly believe that there is a right way and a wrong way to commune with, connect with and hear from God. In your black-and-white theology, if someone does it differently than you, declare it ineffective – or better yet, unbiblical – because if they’re right, you run the risk of being wrong. The enticing notion that there is grace in the grey areas of following Jesus is blasphemous. Misery is your Spiritual gift. Refer to step #4.
11. Pious Priorities : Be more concerned about pointing out the bad habits, different lifestyles choices and brokenness of those around you, than feeding the hungry, caring for the broken-hearted and praying for the sick. If you do pray, be sure to be dramatic, use big fancy words, and spend at least 8.3 minutes assuming the position. Always put church related events first, even if attending bible study for the 3rd time in one week means missing your kid’s baseball game. Again. We’re talking eternity here, folks.
12. Be Exclusive : Only, only ever listen to Christian music, read Lori Wick books, hang out with like-minded {churchy} church friends, and watch animated PG movies. And by all means, be vocal about it. Hold others to the same standard. Shoot, if you can’t enjoy a little Coldplay here and there, they shouldn’t either. And always, always respond, “bible”, when asked what your favorite book is. Unless it’s the dictionary, that is also acceptable.
13. Don’t Dish about the Dirty : Kick-the-nightstand-over sex is for heathens, Christians are relegated to the missionary position. Once every 40 days. In fact, seeing sex is simply for procreation, scratch that. Disregard all theories about sex being a powerful ‘glue’ in marriage, a delightful way to spice up one’s relationship with their spouse, and most definitely glue all the pages of Song of Solomon together. Phew. That is some saucy stuff! Make sure your kids only know sex before marriage is bad, but hint at the fact that after marriage, it’s not much better. Definitely never giggle about naughty things with your girlfriends. That sort of fun is only for bad girls at the bar.
14. Those be Fightin’ Words : Brush up on your eschatology and rehearse your religious rhetoric. Make a point of finding at least one other Christian to argue doctrine with each day. Or, for extra points, argue with those outside of your faith. Correct theology is, after all, what it is all about, and the misguided concept that your life should simply reflect that of Jesus is far too sacrilegious to buy into. It is obvious that the passionate religious folk of old, fondly known as the Pharisees, knew what to pour their energy and resources into. Smart fellas!
15. Spread the Yucky: Be quick to point out everything you disagree with. Send angry hate mail to those brave, sojourning few who are ruffling feathers in an attempt to strip away the religious fluff and get to the heart of authentic spirituality. They’re messing with the system and if they poke you hard enough, you just might have to reexamine why you believe some of the stuff you do. This is cause for fightin’ words {see above}. Be set in your ways. This assures you a predictable, semi-comfortable ride through life. Until someone sits in your spot on the pew.
For maximum impact practice all 15 steps simultaneously.
{Now go watch this video}
