I met her through Instagram, drawn in by the incredible way she applied watercolor paint to paper – in both minute detail and broad sweeping strokes – and I stayed because of the vulnerability she wove throughout her words. In a world that peddles superficiality, she is a refreshing change. Her art woos you in, and her heart makes you sit a while.
Rocking awesome hair and a masterpiece of an arm tattoo, she moves people deeply quite simply by being herself.
Meet Cara…
WHAT’S YOUR STORY, MORNING GLORY?
My story. Well, I suppose my story is composed of the same things as everyone else’s story. Joy, pain, sorrow, suffering, courage, faith, a grand canyon full of mistakes, an ocean of immeasurable moments, and of course, never to be outdone, love. It’s been about three years now since I’ve (mostly) recovered from a sudden acute illness that had me bedridden for the better part of a year. A sickness no doctor or specialist could diagnose, leaving me not only in a state of constant fear and anxiety, but also unremitting pain. In a matter of weeks I went from being a healthy young woman in her twenties to someone living with chronic illness. For a while I exhausted myself with rage and the denial that this thing, whatever it was, would soon pass. Once it became clear that me and Pain were in it for the long haul, that’s when the hard, beautiful things started to happen.
Pain is a refiner. It strips you down to your bare bones, burns away every pretense and defense mechanism, and leaves you no choice but to find out what you’re truly made of. Me, I was made of anxiety, perceived happinesses, and a whole lot of control. Although I had worked very hard for the last ten years to construct for myself a life that very much looked like thriving, the truth was, on the inside, I was lonely and hungry, and very very afraid. Afraid of not being enough – for my husband, for my family, for my friends, for myself. Afraid deep down, beneath the pretty teeth and thin body, I was right: that I had nothing truly good and beautiful to offer the world.
With nothing to do but pass time in constant pain, I was forced to evaluate the things of which my life was made. Most of these things, like lovely but ultimately fragile Christmas ornaments, shattered upon a good jostling. What remained was my faith, my marriage, a few (and I mean few) friendships, and most surprising of all, a strength born of the sheer determination to make it through another hour, sometimes just another minute.
WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER ABOUT YOURSELF DURING THIS TIME?
I discovered how strong I am. I discovered a raw soul and a gorgeous sensitivity that had only yet begun to bloom, that never would have grown into what it is today had I not been ripped from the earth and forced to learn how to grow all over again. Mostly I discovered that the most beautiful, nurturing thing a person can do is surrender. To the pain, to the joy, to the unfathomable reality that we are deeply, emphatically, irreversibly loved by the Author of Love.
WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER ABOUT GOD’S CHARACTER IN THE PROCESS?
I discovered that He isn’t lying when He says He won’t give us any trial beyond what we can bear, but that it might, and probably will, hurt like hell. I also discovered His grace, which truly is endless. Just when I thought I might be about to touch bottom, He would reveal another cove, another realm of His goodness and mercy. I felt like The Little Mermaid – sans the shell bra and with a low-functioning immune system – constantly finding these treasures I had no idea had been there all along. It really was as though I had been given “eyes to see”. I saw, I marveled, I relished all of it: the beauty that I now understand can only be witnessed by someone wholly tender and vulnerable, someone broken apart and cobbled back together by a thousand tiny love moments. That was the gift He gave to me. The freedom to care, to care so deeply, about everything and everyone, without the crippling fear of rejection, without worrying I might be “too much” for someone.
WHAT HELPED YOU OR SERVED YOU MOST PRACTICALLY IN THIS SEASON?
I had lost everything. Every single thing I thought I needed to be happy and content. But as it turned out, I was made of so much more than those things. I was, and am, made of Love.
I’ve lost count of all the ways I am grateful for that season of Pain, but one of the biggest blessings that came from that time is the relationship I have with my husband. Marriage is tough, bloody work (even moreso when children are involved), and until that point I wasn’t sure about him, about us. I wondered if maybe I hadn’t settled a bit (which remains to be the dumbest false-reality I ever entertained). And I always wondered if what we had was real. Real in the sense that it could survive the fire. Well, as anyone battling with chronic illness will attest, perhaps the only one suffering more than the one with the disease, is the one called to love her through it. The truth is I wouldn’t have made it through that period in my life if not for the man I call Husband. Nor would we have the marriage we have today. Rooted in the grit of true suffering and bound by love. He is my best friend, my soul mate, the cheese to my toasty bread. Because of him I know what it looks like to serve someone, to love someone as Christ loves us. Because of him, I know what Love looks like. I’ve seen it. I’ve touched it. It’s touched me. And I am changed.
HOW DID THIS EXPERIENCE EFFECT OR SHAPE YOUR PASSION TODAY?
These days—although the further I move away from that time, the harder it is to remember what it was like to be in that time—I am all about getting to the meat. I have no interest in small talk. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I want us to connect in a way that gives meaning and purpose to my day. Life is short, time is limited. We simply lack the luxury of loving ourselves and people with anything less than our whole broken hearts. It’s that simple. Not easy—but simple. I encourage everyone, but mostly women, to let go of whatever it is that’s keeping them from living their lives as the truest, fullest version of themselves. Anything less than that is highway robbery.
IF YOU COULD SUM UP YOUR EXPERIENCE IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Love wins.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A WOMAN FACING A SIMILAR STRUGGLE?
I would say, “Sister, you are not alone. Not even a little bit. And this thing, this pain that currently has you in its grip — it is not the end of you. It is the beginning of you. This is the part where you surrender, where you let go of that woman you think you need to be and start becoming the woman you were born to be. She is strong. She is worthy. She is glorious.”
IS THERE A FAVORITE SCRIPTURE YOU’VE CLUNG TO?
For the record, I think this is a very unfair question to ask of a writer. Words are my jewelry. If I could, I would spend my whole life languishing in a pool full of the words that make up the truth on which my life stands.
I try to keep things simple whenever possible. I’m easily overwhelmed. Anxiety is always knocking on my door. The anxiety makes my heart sick, then it makes my body sick. Which means I have to keep it simple. Some days are wonderful, but most of them are hard and exhausting. They just are. It’s the price I pay to be fully alive. And so, I remind myself, “Just keep breathing.” Sometimes that’s all you can do, and if it is, it’s more than enough.
WHAT DOES THE WORD VULNERABILITY MEAN TO YOU, AND WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE IN YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE?
This looks like pulling back the veil or drape or iron door—whatever it is that’s concealing your heart and keeping your youness hidden and scared—and exposing it to the world, mess and all. Because there is only one you. You have no understudy. If you don’t show up, no one comes to take your place. There is only an empty space, a dark hole where you should be; and that, my love, is a damn travesty.
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU ARE LOVING RIGHT NOW?
I am LOVING the fact that Fall, in all its leaf-falling, scarf-wearing, pumpkin-spice-overdosing glory, has finally arrived. I do my best to live each day as its gifted to me, but the truth is I wait all year for Fall. Werd.
I am also loving the gentle (and not so gentle reminders) that my baby girl is alive and kicking, growing inside of me, right this very moment, and that for the time being, I get to be her soul’s keeper.
THANKS CARA! WHERE’S THE BEST PLACE FOR READERS TO FIND YOU?
Oh, you know, I’m around . . . Ha, that was my very weak attempt at being suave, when the truth is I want you to COME VISIT ME. I can be found on Goodreads, where my Young Adult novel, Awakening Foster Kelly is published. My second book, Much As Funny Loves A Laugh is scheduled (and when I say scheduled, this of course depends entirely on unlikelihood that the next few months go according to plan) to be released sometime next year.
Mostly, you’ll find me hanging out on Instagram (@molluskgrl), where I continue to be blessed and amazed by an incredible community of women determined to keep Showing Up.
