I have never been particularly business savvy.
Partly because I just haven’t a clue what I’m doing. Most mostly because, if I’m honest, I’ve established really blurry boundary lines. If boundaries at all.
I have always struggled to find balance between my firm belief in the importance of generously sharing your unique talents and giftings with the world around you…and wisely stewarding my time and talent.
The people-pleaser in me loves to make people happy. It also struggles to say “no”, and frequently forgets that I’m a limited resource.
I spent my formative business years fluctuating between seasons of lavish generosity…dishing myself out, haphazardly, to anyone who wanted a piece of me…speaking, designing and coaching…and then hibernating in recovery because I felt so burned out, taken-advantage-of, and resentful.
My poor husband has seen the writing on the wall for many years, and has tried many times to caution me. “Babe, you don’t charge enough…”, “You are worth far more than that!”, “…you are going to crash and burn if you don’t stop giving yourself away for free”. And by golly, he was right. Of all the things we’ve had ‘intense fellowship’ about over the past several years…it’s this. The fact that I run my business like a charity, and do not steward my time or talent wisely.
The tragedy in all this is that when you’ve worked so hard for so long, and for so little, you get used to it…and you forget that what you do is actually worth something greater. And then, slowly but surely, what used to bring you great joy and satisfaction, sucks you dry. And you want out.
All because of broken boundaries and distorted self-worth.
The funny thing is…my clients are amazing. I love them! They have no idea my heart has been heavy for so long, and that my love of design has slowly been waning. Probably because I didn’t even realize it.
I adore speaking publically…and I’ve done it for many years for free (or for a potted plant…because Christians are notorious for not financially honoring something that’s seen as ‘ministry’), but at what point does one say…enough. Is who I am and what I do and what I contribute to the world not worth more than this?
They’re not intentionally taking advantage of me, of course…for I have taught them how to treat me. I have established my value – or lack there-of – for them. Free of charge.
It isn’t them…it’s me. Me! I have told them, in so many words, that it’s okay to pay me diddly-squat for 6 hours of hard work. I’m the one who has subconsciously declared that I wasn’t worth the industry standard. That serving and giving and being generous was more important than the value of my time and training and experience and talent.
I’ve been so caught up in being a blessing to others…that I’ve burdened myself in the process.
And I’m realizing that, well, God isn’t glorified in stupidity. He isn’t honored in the squandering of what He’s deposited within us. In foolish business practices that masquerade as charity. There’s a big difference between tithing your talent, and dishing it out indiscriminately. It’s like comparing fasting to dieting. The heart and the purpose are completely different.
My heart may have been in the right place years ago as I launched out on this entrepreneurial adventure and worked to develop my portfolio, but wisdom has been crying out for so long…and I’ve been too insecure and unsure of myself to heed the warning and make the necessary changes.
It was as if a light-bulb went on for me last week. As if the proverbial veil was lifted.
At first I was mortified. Embarrassed that I allowed it to get to this point? A passionate entrepreneur too blinded by “good deeds” to actually see the truth of biblical wisdom and business savvy. And now…how on earth do I clean this mess up?
So I sat last week, in my gorgeous little studio…where I work my tail off doing what I love…and started processing through all of this stuff. Feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, and desperate for change.
Heavy hearted, and yet hopeful. Excited, even.
What would it be like to actually feel honored when I get paid…rather than, well, a wee bit insulted. I’m just being real here.
Because people will pay for what they value. And they will value what they pay for.
So is it actually possible to do what you love…to design, write, speak, create, coach…and not feel guilty about being paid well to do it?
Absolutely!
But it requires that I take a long, hard look at myself, and make some serious, deliberate changes in the way I do…well, everything. I have got to uproot the lies and remove the distorted lens I’ve viewed myself – and my “ministry” – through. I have got to rebuild my business foundation and align myself with wisdom, truth, and Godly counsel. I need to learn how to say “no”, and be okay with the fact that I may disappoint and lose some people in the process.
Because the reality of life is, I’m going to let people down…but I’d rather it be potential clients looking for cheap work, than the family who get to reassemble their burned-out, under-valued mom and wife.
It’s called wise stewardship. And I need to learn it.
I stumbled upon this little dragonfly out on the frosted grass early this morning, wings crystalized, and unable to fly. And I couldn’t help but wonder… how often we settle somewhere we don’t belong (long-term), long enough that frost begins to develop and slowly cripples our ability to do what we were created to do.
What is weighing your wings down, friend? What temporary spot did you settle down in for too long that you lost your vision to soar?
I’m learning that when God puts a dream in your heart, and you’re passionate and intentional about fleshing it out…the fastest way to squash it is to confuse busyness with fruitfulness.
One will propel you and fuel you…the other will drain you and fool you.
Sweet friend, don’t confuse the two. Just because it’s a God-breathed dream, or business, doesn’t mean it needs to be an exhausting, financially-draining endeavor.
Don’t let the world fool you into spending your time and talent without restraint in order to make a few people happy. You are worth far more than you realize, and wisely investing your gifts and resources will not only leave you feeling refreshed and blessed…but will reap a harvest far more valuable than approval addiction ever could.
Maybe it’s not a business endeavor, for you, maybe it’s a relationship? Or a ministry? A volunteer position you’ve felt stuck in for years. Or maybe you’re just in need of a personal revelation that it’s okay to want to be honored and valued for what you bring to this world. Because it is. And you are. And it’s never too late to shake off those crystals and learn to fly again.
You have a unique, beautiful, needed ‘something’ that you bring to this life…
Use it. But use it wisely.
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