If you know much about my story and the broken road I’ve walked, you’ll know that I have a fire in my bones when it comes to the subject of sexual intimacy and marriage.
So people like Julie Sibert thrill me to pieces. She’s made it her mission to candidly and graciously tackle this subject from a biblical perspective, and is sharing her passion and wisdom with us right here today…
My first baby slept through the night at 7 weeks and never looked back. He was a textbook baby.
Of course, that textbook baby gave me a false sense of pride, convincing me I had this parenting thing completely figured out. (Insert God’s laughter right here).
Six and a half years later, baby two arrived on the scene – completely adorable. And more than ready to mock all my parenting “wisdom.”
I walked the floor with that kid night after night. For. A. Very. Long. Time.
Exhaustion didn’t just drift occasionally through the room. It took up residence, snatching my energy in the worst sort of way.
Fast forward to today, and those early years of parenting have been in my rear view mirror for many miles. Baby number one is heading toward age 18 and baby number two is rounding the corner on 11.
You would think exhaustion would no longer be my reality, right?
Well, whether you are a parent of littles or a parent of teens or glancing at the days of an empty nest (or even if you are not a parent), the truth is that we are busy people. And that often makes us exhausted people.
That exhaustion takes its toll in several ways, but because I write and speak about sex, I’m going to delve into that topic.
For many of you, exhaustion has been destroying sex in your marriage for quite some time.
Your calendar has gone rogue, the fridge perpetually needs replenishment, and demands start adding up with work, volunteer responsibilities and extended family commitments.
You find you’re constantly in this cycle of either running to the store for milk, checking your email at midnight or wrapping a birthday present as you’re walking out the door (and by wrapping I mean throwing it in a gift bag you dug out of the closet).
You are busy, that’s for sure. But you’re not busy beneath the sheets. That kind of connection has become a rare extra, rather than a “must have” essential.
What do you do if exhaustion is robbing you of passion and sex with the person next to you?
I have learned a few ways to not just carve out time for sex with the man I married, but also to fervently protect and pursue that time, regardless of my exhaustion.
Here are 3 ideas you might find helpful:
1. Lower your standards all the way around.
Who among us doesn’t want an organized life? “A place for everything and everything must be in place” feels like the anthem for bliss and relaxation.
I’m going to call foul on that, though.
We need a vision for our life that has room for mess. Why? Because life is messy. No, you don’t want to live in filth and no, you can’t completely leave the calendar to manage itself, because… well… obviously, that won’t work.
BUT – and this is an extremely important BUT – you have to start counting the costs and decide if you have set the bar unrealistically high.
I’m not just talking about clean houses and volunteer opportunities. I’m also talking about sexual intimacy.
If you are waiting for ideal conditions to have sex, you may be waiting indefinitely. A better approach is to be flexible.
Push the laundry off the bed. Leave the dishes for the morning. Stop thinking all or even most of your sexual encounters have to include clean sheets, lots of energy and extended foreplay.
I’ve enjoyed some pretty incredible sex even after heading into that bedroom more drowsy than awake. Seriously.
2. Be sexually playful during the day.
I’m convinced sex is the last thing on our mind after an exhausting day because we haven’t made an effort in that day to be sexually playful.
I know. That seems counter-intuitive – to flirt with your spouse when you’re exhausted.
Well, if you are like most couples, your spouse is exhausted too. There’s a lot to be said for commiserating. Try some suggestive physical touches before you each walk out the door. How about some playful phone calls, texts and innuendos? Risqué notes in the lunchbox? (I use a Sharpie marker to write notes on my husband’s banana in his lunch!) Get creative.
While I understand that we are not always in the mood to be sexually playful, I also believe that our moods tend to catch up to our actions if we give them enough fuel. And enough time.
You might be surprised that sexual playfulness throughout the day reassures you both that you’re in this crazy life together. And it can set the stage for extended connection later when the lights go down.
3. Remember that sexual pleasure is a stress reducer.
If you are exhausted, I’d bet my last dollar that stress is in close proximity. Exhaustion and stress are like obnoxious classmates who are always together, taunting everyone around them.
The good news is sexual connection and orgasm are tremendous stress relievers. Making love to your spouse on a regular basis will strengthen your emotional connection, not to mention help you sleep better. Bonus!
We can’t completely banish exhaustion from our lives. I get that. But what you can do is start building healthier patterns that keep exhaustion from ruling your heart and your bed.
That bed was made for more than just sleeping.
Julie Sibert is co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. She writes and speaks out of her own story, encouraging couples to nurture authentic sexual intimacy in marriage. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, two sons and a dog named Stella who is busy destroying the yard. You can follow Julie’s blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com.
